Ms. Beard is Weird is the fifth book in the My Weirder School series.
AJ and his teachers are in for a wacky time when a hot new reality show starts filming at Ella Mentry Elementary School
The book begins with AJ saying that he would hate it if a helicopter fell on his head. AJ's teacher, Mr. Granite, has been very angry lately. Every time he tries to teach his students something, he gets an announcement that his class has to go down to the all-purpose room for an assembly. Mr. Granite got so mad, that he yanked the loudspeaker right off the wall. One day, while giving a lesson on the Civil War, the secretary, Mrs. Patty, comes into the classroom saying that the class has to go down to the all-purpose room for a "surprise" assembly.
At the assembly, Mr. Klutz announces that the school's budget problems are solved, and that they can bring back everything that was taken during budget cuts. They can hire the teachers who have been fired, they can buy new school supplies, and even turn the water fountains back on and reinstall toilet paper in the bathrooms. This makes everyone excited and happy. The librarian, Mrs. Roopy, asks Mr. Klutz where they got the money from. Mr. Klutz says that the money is coming from Ms. Beard, a famous television producer, and that Ms. Beard is going to make a new reality show called "The Real Teachers of Ella Mentry Elementary School", and she's going to film it right at the school. When they hear that they're going to be on TV, all the teachers go bonkers.
Over the weekend, AJ's parents sign a contract saying that they wouldn't sue anybody if AJ got harmed in any way during the making of the show. On Monday morning, everyone is nervous for Ms. Beard to arrive. When Ms. Beard and her filming crew finally arrive, Mr. Klutz warns everyone to be on their best behavior around Ms. Beard. Mr. Klutz welcomes Ms. Beard, but Ms. Beard is only interested in filming rather than talking to Mr. Klutz. She immediately begins filming the show.
When AJ and his friends are at class, Ms. Beard begins filming what is going on. Mr. Granite is a bit nervous, though. Mr. Granite tries to teach the kids about the Civil War while Ms. Beard films him. Even though Mr. Granite is nervous, he manages to get the filming over and done with. Then Ms. Beard and her cameramen move on to the next class. Andrea asks Ms. Beard when the show will air, and Ms. Beard replies that they will air the show later that night. When they hear this, everyone goes bonkers. That night, AJ watches the premiere of the show and finds it interesting.
The next day at school, Ms. Beard holds a meeting at the all-purpose room. She tells the class that most people found the premiere boring. When AJ and his friends ask why, Ms. Beard tells them that nobody wants to watch a show about well-behaved students being taught by well-behaved teachers. Instead, people want to watch something far more interesting than that. Ms. Beard says that they need to spice things up to interest the show's audience. She then says that she has a plan. Most people like to see reality TV shows that have competition in them. So Ms. Beard has now turned the show from a show about normal people to a show with competition.
Ms. Beard divides the teachers into two teams: The Moosketeers and the Hot Dog Heads. Ms. Leakey, Ms. Hannah, Mr. Loring, Mr. Macky, Miss Holly, and Mrs. Yonkers are members of the Moosketeer team, while Mrs. Roopy, Miss Small, Mr. Docker, Mr. Granite, Ms. Coco, and Miss Laney are members of the Hot Dog Head team. Ms. Beard says that over the next few days, the two teams will compete in a series of events. A panel of judges will decide who wins the events, and people in their homes can vote as well. Andrea then asks what competition has to do with education and says that students need to learn things at school. The other kids, and even some of the teachers, heckle at Andrea for asking a boring question. But Ms. Beard tells Andrea that the students will be learning plenty from the competition, and that the best part is that one by one, the teachers will be eliminated from the competition, and that the last teacher standing will be the winner. The teacher who wins will win two prizes: an all expenses paid vacation and a year's supply of pork sausages. Ms. Beard does a quick informercial of a pork sausage shop, then she starts the competition. The kids go to lunch so that the teachers can get ready.
When the kids return to the all-purpose room, the first event of the competition has started. The first event is called "Ella Mentry Idol". When both of the teacher teams come up on stage, everyone goes bonkers. Ms. Beard tells them that the event of the day will be seeing how well the twelve teachers can sing. Each of the teachers will sing a song, then Ms. Beard will open the phone lines so viewers can vote for the teacher they liked. Then she chooses AJ, Ryan, and Andrea to be the judges. While Andrea is excited to be a judge, she is also confused. She asks Ms. Beard what a singing competition has to do with education. Ms. Beard tells her that the teachers will sing a song about the things they teach. Then the contest begins. Ms. Hannah goes first. She sings a song about art while playing a guitar. When she is done with her song, it is time for the judges to give her points. Andrea gives her ten points, AJ gives her three points, and Ryan gives her six points. Altogether, Ms. Hannah scored nineteen points. Then Miss Holly goes next and sings a Spanish song. Mr. Docker sings a song about science. Mrs. Roopy sings a song about the Dewey decimal system. Miss Laney sings a song about a tongue twister, and then Mr. Loring goes next. After Mr. Loring finishes his song, Mrs. Yonkers comes up and, instead of singing a song about computers, she sings a song about pork sausages. After all twelve teachers sang, the phone lines are opened so viewers can vote for the song they liked. After all the votes are counted, Ms. Beard announces that eleven teachers will move up to the next round. Mrs. Roopy got the least votes, so she has been eliminated.
The next day, everyone gets ready for the next event. The second event is called "Dancing With The Teachers". Ms. Beard tells everyone that the event of the day will be sseing how well the teachers can dance. There are four pairs of dancers-two from the Moosketeer team and two from the Hot Dog Head team. Mr. Loring and Miss Holly go first. They dance the cha-cha, but they aren't so good at it. Then Ms. Coco and Mr. Docker dance the foxtrot, Mr. Granite and Miss Laney dance the tango, and Mr. Macky and Ms. Hannah dance the rumba. While this is all happening, AJ and Ryan try not to laugh. After all the teachers danced, Ms. Beard adds up the scores, she announces that Miss Holly and Mr. Loring have been eliminated.
When AJ and his classmates are back in class, Ms. Beard decides to film Mr. Granite giving a lesson about fractions. Ms. Beard thinks that the lesson Mr. Granite is giving is boring for her audience, so she brings in a "stunt teacher" named Mr. Brown. When Mr. Brown comes in, AJ realizes that the stunt teacher is actually a clown. Mr. Brown gives the fraction lesson instead of Mr. Granite. Alexia answers the questions that Mr. Brown asks, since Alexia is actually very good at fractions. Mr. Brown then throws a pie at Mr. Granite's head. This makes Mr. Granite very angry and, just for that, he throws another pie at Mr. Brown's face. Mr. Brown and Mr. Granite then begin to throw pies at each other. Andrea tells Ms. Beard that Mr. Brown and Mr. Granite throwing pies at each other isn't going to help anyone learn about fractions, but Ms. Beard doesn't seem to care and tells Andrea that the viewers who are watching will think it might be very interesting.
The next day, Ms. Beard installs a giant swimming pool filled with mud onto the playground. Ms. Beard announces that the next challenge will be mud wrestling. All of the teachers, including the male teachers, are all wearing bikinis. Ms. Beard tells the kids that the first four teachers to climb out of the pool will be advanced to the next round. Andrea asks Ms. Beard what mud wrestling has to do with education, and Ms. Beard tells her that while the teachers mud wrestle, they will also recite multiplication facts. Then the teachers all jump into the pool and start wrestling in the mud and reciting multiplication facts. Mr. Granite, Mr. Macky, Ms. Leakey, and Miss Small are the first ones to climb out of the pool, so they get advanced to the next round. The rest of the teachers(Mr. Docker, Ms. Coco, Miss Laney, Ms. Hannah, and Mrs. Yonkers) are eliminated from the show.
The next day, Ms. Beard tells the kids that "The Real Teachers of Ella Mentry Elementary School" is getting more and more viewers every night, and that the viewerws want to see who the winner of the show is. The four remaining teachers, Mr. Granite, Mr. Macky, Miss Small, and Ms. Leakey, are worn out from all the singing, dancing, and mud wrestling. Ms. Beard makes a few suggestions for the next event, but none of the teachers want to compete in any of them, so Ms. Beard decides that the teachers should tells jokes. The teachers will tell three jokes each. Then Ms. Beard will open the phone lines, and the viewers can vote for the the teachers who told the funniest jokes. Mr. Granite tells three jokes about a dog and a trombone, a shaver, and a fire in a circus. Ms. Leakey tells three jokes about pillows, a woman with no legs, and walking backwards to school. Mr. Macky tells three jokes about oceans, gorillas, and chickens. And finally, Miss Small tells three jokes about a pool table, bicycles, and patio furniture. when the phone lines are closed, Ms. Beard announces that the last two teachers are Mr. Granite and Ms. Leakey meaning Mr. Macky and Miss Small have been eliminated
The next night, everyone gathers to the all-purpose room for the final live episode of "The Real Teachers of Ella Mentry Elementary School". Mr. Granite and Ms. Leakey go into two large booths. Ms. Beard announces that the final event will be grabbing hundred-dollar bills. The teacher who grabbs the most bills in five minutes will be the winner of "The Real Teachers of Ella Mentry Elementary School". Before Mr. Granite and Ms. Leaky begin, Ms. Beard allows her crew to squirt glue into the booths and start fans that are on the bottoms of the booths. Mr. Granite and Ms. Leakey start grabbing the money. When their time is up, Ms. Beard counts up the money. Mr. Granite grabbed two hundred and fifty six dollars, and Ms. Leakey grabbed three hundred and twenty four dollars, which means that Ms. Leakey is the winner of "The Real Teachers of Ella Mentry Elementary School". Everyone in the audience goes bonkers, and Ms. Leakey is very excited that she won an all-expenses paid vacation and a year's supply of pork sausages.
After "The Real Teachers of Ella Mentry Elementary School" became a big hit, Ms. Beard bought more supplies for the school, and the kids find out that Ms. Beard is the owner of a pork sausage shop. Then AJ thinks of the things that happened previously in the book and wonders what might happen next.
In a bonus chapter, AJ says that after "The Real Teachers of Ella Mentry Elementary School" aired, everyone who starred in the show became famous, including AJ himself. He gets fan mail, gets interviewed, and even signs autographs, but now he's grown tired of being chased by crazy fans whenever he leaves his house. He then demonstrates by stepping outside. His fans notice him and begin to chase him. While AJ gets chased, he notices that a helicopter from the TV news crew is pointing searchlights at him. AJ then fears that the helicopter is going to land on his head. The book ends with no explanation of how AJ got away from the fans or the helicopter.
- Mrs. Daisy appears on the cover of the book, but doesn't appear in the book itself.
- A running gag in this book is someone mentioning pork sausages.
- This and "Back to school, weird kids rule" are the only books that mention the word weird in the title.
- "Teacher Idol" is a parody of "American Idol".
- "Dancing With The Teachers" is a parody of ""Dancing With The Stars".